Jewell moves to the goal and kicks the ball with her right foot, it just misses the goal. Disappointed, she falls to the ground. The goalie picks up the ball and kicks it to the other end of the field. The ball is kicked out of bounds. The ref calls in the subs, Jewell walks off the field as her coach yells out to hustle off. The bell sounds indicating half-time. Jewell walks to the half time area with the team and states that their goalie needed to grab the ball on an earlier goal. Another teammate said, “Jewell it doesn’t help to point out what they did wrong, they know that they did wrong.” Jewell makes a high-pitched sound then throws her water bottle across the field and kicks it several times, it hits the coach in the foot. She is told she will be benched for unsportsmanlike conduct. She screams several expletives and grabs the other coach by the arm several times, taunting the coach to make her stop. The coach does not engage and walks back to the bench area. The teammates return to the bench and the field. Jewell yells at a player, and a coach cues that they need to only share positive feedback. She screams ”Make me, I dare you to make me stop!” The coach disengages.

It’s so challenging to deal with these meltdowns and even more challenging when the athlete is also your CHILD. Yup, that’s me, Dr. B the sensory expert, and it’s my daughter Jewell who was having an epic meltdown in front of her team and parents. That evening, after Jewell was able to eat, take a shower, and have some time away from me, we were able to talk. She shared that she felt that she was being criticized about how she played by the other athlete who told her to stop criticizing. She felt bad and embarrassed but wasn’t sure how to address the issue. We were able to have a long discussion about how it’s okay to have every feeling, but how we react is important. Jewell said she was sorry to me and said she hates it when she acts like that, and that she had been struggling with it for some time. Passionate people react in a way that is overwhelming to others at times and can be viewed as unsafe. As a coach, it’s hard to encourage players to be aggressive, and passionate players are often able to do this naturally, but they can’t always turn it off when it becomes too much. Taking responsibility for the way one behaves is critical to determine how the other athletes perceive that person.

Jewell decided that she would apologize to her team mates the next day at school. We discussed how she may lose friends if people didn’t feel safe in her presence. We also discussed how it’s tough to address something like that in a group but that would be the best option. That afternoon at practice, Jewell said she had talked to some of her classmates at school but not all of them and not the other coach.This will be a huge learning experience for Jewell because the team mates and coach she did not talk to will have challenges trusting her in the future.

For myself, I went through the cycle that I sometimes go through when my children do something that is not appropriate. I question if I should be considered an expert in this field when my own child acts in such a way. I feel like a terrible parent because I wasn’t able to stop the incident before it became apparent to other parents and team mates. I spend tons of mental energy and time replaying the scenario and trying to come up with where I could have intervened and where I operated more as a trigger and less as someone who was helping to co-manage. I secretly regret agreeing to coach the team. Parenting is the toughest job there is and much of my quest to learn how to support specific behaviors has come from my experiences with my own children and children that have lived with me and the things that they have struggled with.

What are some interventions that could have been provided to help Jewell during her soccer meltdown?

• Positive Recognition: When she got off the field I could have noted where she was successful, and I often do this with our athletes. This helps to front load what is expected and increases the likelihood of the behavior being repeated.

• Proprioceptive Feedback: I could have given a high five or, as she is my daughter, I could have hugged her. She clearly needed to have some proprioceptive feedback in addition to feeling connected to someone, as in these team activities many of the participants feel like they are letting the team down when they are not successful at something.

• Use Water as a Regulator: As soon as she threw the water bottle I could have picked it up and refilled it - the process of her seeing the water would have helped regulate her and other teammates in the vicinity.

• Use Laughter as a Regulator:Lean into the crazy! This is a technique that often works well. I could have been silly and made a spectacle of myself by trying to kick a goal and falling over (my older athletes would have laughed at this, but the younger ones would probably need to be told it was a joke, but honestly I am a terrible shot and probably couldn’t make the goal if I tried anyways)

• Use Body Language: Ensure that my facial expressions and body positioning mirrored the stance of safety. I am sure I shot her at least one dirty look during the incident that I could have had better control over (I’m sure you know that one that says to your kid, “I am so irritated with you! Knock it off!”, that almost always doesn’t work after age 8 or 9.)

As parents, we all make mistakes and we all question if we are in the right roles, but it is important to remember to give yourself grace, as you are the one who is present, and being present is the greatest gift today. When situations like this happen to me, I pat myself on the back for not responding negatively and hope that my mental plans will prepare me if and when there is another meltdown. I also look at the fact that Jewell took responsibility for her behavior as the win!